The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Fangirls
by TheMaruSueLoves1D
Summary: Cato thought he was ready for anything in the Arena. He wasn't prepared for this. Pairings: Cato/everybody, rated T for language. One-shot. The third category is Drama :


One fine day at the Career camp…

Cato was sitting and polishing his sword. He was mainly thinking about what was for dinner, but also considering how to get rid of Katniss. A loud bang behind him made him jump. He spun around with his sword in hand, ready to fight off whatever tribute was stealing his precious supplies.

But instead of an enemy tribute, he saw two of his fellow Careers rolling around on the ground in an all-out catfight. Glimmer, the girl tribute from 1, and his own District partner Clove were screaming, punching, kicking, and generally trying to beat each other up.

"He's mine, shrimp!" screeched Glimmer, clawing Clove with her scary fake nails.

"I've known him since first grade, you man-stealing bitch!" Clove yelled back, grabbing a chunk of Glimmer's hair.

Glimmer howled. "You still look like a little girl!"

"That's IT! Take that, slut!"

"Owww! He likes me better!"

"Get off me, fatso!"

Cato rushed over and pulled them apart, holding each girl at arm's length. "What the hell is going on here?" he demanded.

Both girls struggled to break free and reach each other, still spewing insults. Glimmer stopped growling when she saw who it was.

"Oh Cato," she gushed. "I was just looking for you when this savage attacked me!" She smiled winningly and pointed at Clove.

Clove was frantically combing through her tangled hair. "Oh please. The psychotic beauty queen's lying." When Cato stared at her, confused, she continued, "She said you like her better." The dark-haired girl rolled her eyes.

Glimmer stomped her foot. "Listen to her!" she said angrily. "Tell her she's wrong. You totally like me, right?"

The look on Clove's face was murderous, but her voice was icily calm. "Yeah, Cato. Tell us who like best." Her expression told Cato that if he answered wrong, things would get very bad very quickly. The only problem was, Glimmer looked the same. Either girl was capable of killing him if his choice wasn't her.

Why did they like him so much? "Uh, yeah…" said Cato, stalling for time and trying in vain to come up with a painless solution for his dilemma.

He was saved from having to answer by a strange light coming from the west. A glowing apparition was headed toward their camp. All three Careers' mouths dropped open as a stunning girl walked – no, glided was really more like it – in on an actual red carpet.

The girl held up one elegant hand. "Let us not fight." The new arrival was tall and somehow managed to be both curvaceous and model-thin at the same time, with shimmering blonde hair down to her butt and eyes that flashed every color of the rainbow complete with five inch ebony lashes. There wasn't a speck of dirt on her floorlength white gown or Jimmy Choos.

Against his will, Cato was transfixed.

The girl continued in a melodious voice, "There is no reason to quarrel, for as you can see, _I _am Cato's true soulmate. I am Elysia Florentiana Marigold, the High Arch-Princess of Equestria, and Cato and I were made for each other." Again she cast out her flawless hand, and a cloud of sparkly dust flew out. Glimmer and Clove started choking, but Cato only moved toward her, drawn by her intense perfection. Just as she reached out to caress his face,

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" The shout broke the enchantress's spell, and Cato was able to move of his own accord. He turned away from Elysia to see another girl headed his way. Moving at the speed of sound, the girl executed several Olympic-caliber backflips and roundoffs, ending in a skid that sent dust flying. Dirt blew into the eyes of Clove, Glimmer, and even Elysia, who responded with some very un-princess like language.

The girl, who Cato could now see had a perfect athletic body to go with her perfect tan, shook out her naturally straight mahogany hair from her ponytail and grabbed his hand. He winced as her supernaturally strong hand crushed his fingers.

"Ooo, sorry!" the girl said. "I forget about my strength sometimes." She grabbed a nearby rock and crushed it to powder, then flashed a pearly smile.

Cato was confounded, to say the least. "Who…are…you?" he managed to get out.

The girl snorted at him. "I'm Zeldi – Rhianna, silly! World-famous ninja and spy? Martial arts expert extraordinaire? Your secret girlfriend?" When Cato didn't look any more enlightened, she pulled a black belt from the pocket of her sleek silver jumpsuit. "It only took me three days to get this! My sensai says I'm a natural!" She clapped Cato on the shoulder, and he fell to his knees.

No sooner was he back on his feet than yet another girl had joined the party. The new girl, who had violently violet eyes and a mane of black hair, shoved Zeldi-Rhianna away to take her place at Cato's side. "Hello," she purred seductively, winding an impossibly long leg around his waist. "I'm Pashmina Lautner, victor of the 73rd Hunger Games and the hottest bitch in the Capitol, and I'm here to make your dreams come true." Her snakeskin minidress rode up, exposing a leopard print thong.

Clove, who had been watching the entire time, seemed to be incensed by this. She rose to her feet and lunged for Pashmina. But the black-haired girl only laughed. She let go of Cato's belt buckle and raised one manicured hand. A jet of water spouted from the ground and knocked Clove flat. Pashmina giggled. "Did I mention that my daddy is Poseidon?"

Normally, Cato would have been pleased by the attention, but now he was beginning to feel scared. How had these strange girls appeared in the arena? Were they mutts planted by the Capitol? Hallucinations? Tributes gone insane? Whatever they were, he needed to get out of there. Now.

Years of training gave Cato the power to escape Pashmina's grasp. Dodging a thoroughly soaked and sputtering Clove and a shell-shocked Glimmer, he sprinted madly for the Cornucopia, the only place where he hoped to find refuge. Once inside, he leaned against the wall, gasping for breath. He bumped into something burning hot.

"YAHHHHH!" The thing he had touched was a fiery metal…something. A hand was on the end of it. He scrambled several steps backward. From the dark Cornucopia emerged a fourth girl. This one wore a garish plaid shirt and cowboy boots, and was holding onto a pan filled with what looked like macaroni.

"Howdy! Jo-Jo Rae at your service!" She planted a boot on his stomach. "Pleased to make your acquaintance." The girl peered down at him, her braids tickling his face. "My, you're a sexy varmint. Granny's famous mac'n'cheese?" She stuck the pan in his face. Cato shakily shook his head.

"Well then. Maybe you need some sweetenin' up!" Jo-Jo sang, pulling out a pitcher of sweet tea and dumping it over his head. The sugary drink stung his eyes and stuck on his shirt.

Who did this girl think she was? He grabbed for her, but the sticky tea made it hard to see. Jo-Jo laughed, sounding like the horses that pulled his chariot in the tribute parade. Cato lunged blindly after her voice, nearly tripping and engaging the land mines surrounding the pile of supplies.

By the time he had wiped his eyes with the ends of Elysia's shimmering hair, the situation had only become worse. Four girls had somehow became forty. No, fifty. And even more were coming, streaming in from the woods and the wheat field and the lake and the sky. Cato was surrounded by a mob of girls, all screaming his name.

There were girls with wings, and girls with wands. Girls with fins, and girls with cat ears. Girls with scepters, and girls with guns. Girls with long hair, and girls with longer hair, and plenty of girls with hair a mile long. There were tall girls and short girls, pretty girls and plain girls, odd girls and normal girls, and some girls that made him want to run for his life. Then there were the girls in the t-shirts.

Those were the worst.

* * *

A safe distance away, Peeta sat in a lawn chair, a bowl of popcorn in his lap. He was heartily enjoying the show. A shadow covered his popcorn bowl, and he looked up. A tall, black-haired boy was standing beside him, lugging his own lawn chair.

"Okay if I join you?" Gale asked, already unfolding his chair. Peeta nodded, and the two settled in to watch. Gale stuck out his hand, and Peeta deposited a few kernels in his palm.

A few minutes later, both were choking up with laughter. Gale wiped the tears from his eyes while Peeta snorted into his popcorn. "Poor guy has it bad," he chuckled.

Gale looked out at the distant mob, with the tiny figure of Cato at the center. "Looks pretty serious. Should we go help him?"

"And miss the show?"

"Nah," Gale agreed. "Let him tough it out." He sat back, taking another handful of Peeta's popcorn.

* * *

At least half the girls in the mob were wearing a t-shirt of some kind, Cato noticed. A few had pictures printed on them, but most had strange words. _Glato lover_. _Clove 4Ever._ _I_ _heart Peeto_. And even more. The girls must have come from outside Panem, because these words were certainly from a different language. "What's a glato?" he wondered aloud.

Glimmer, who had been getting trampled by the mob, brightened. "It's our ship name! They think you and me should be together!" she crowed. Unfortunately, her reply was inaudible over the ensuing melee.

The girls were all screaming at the top of their lungs, trying to reach Cato. Papers, posters, shirts, and other stuff came flying through the air. A bra smacked him in the face. Cato turned and retreated for the Cornucopia. He scrambled up the side and looked out. The arena was filled with girls, as far as he could see.

Already the girls were climbing on each others' shoulders, trying to climb up to him. Loud shrieks rang out over the din.

"He's mine!"

"Let go!"

"Cato! Cato! I'm your biggest fan!"

"Come here, you sexy beast!"

"Aahhh!"

Cato backed up until he was almost at the edge of the golden horn. He grabbed the tail for support. "What do you want?" he yelled over the fray. The answer came back in a deafening wave.

"YOUUUUUU!"

What the f*ck was going on? Sure, he'd had a few admirers back in District 2, and then there was Clove and Glimmer, but nothing like this full scale insanity before his eyes.

The first girl, who wore a shirt with Cato's face printed on it, had made her way to the top of the Cornucopia. She raised her arms in a V for victory. Kicking at the other girls attempting to join her, she yelled, "Take that, suckers!" Then she focused on Cato, and gasped.

"OMG. You are like, so much hotter in person. Like, ohmigosh. I can't believe it! You have to sign my arm!" The girl held out her arm and stuffed a pen in his hand. "Make it say, 'To Maddi, from your future husband, Cato!'"

"No, better idea!" Maddi yanked the pen back. "Take a picture with me!" She whipped out a small silver phone and threw her arm around his neck. "Smile!" A bright flash blinded Cato. "Yay! Totes going on Twitter!" Maddi typed furiously on her device.

The odds must have been in Cato's favor, because the phone slipped from the hyper girl's hands and into the crowd below, where a hundred other girls grabbed for it. "NOOO!" Maddi screamed. "My baby!" She launched herself toward her beloved cell phone.

Cato remembered his spare sword. He pulled it from its scabbard and brandished it. "Shut up!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

And amazingly, the roar died down, and the girls faced Cato. Despite all he'd been through, he smiled. Finally he had their attention!

"Please-" he began, only to be cut off by a shrill voice.

"Look!" A small girl near the front was pointing toward the lake, where a large clump of girls was heading toward him. A single figure was carried on their shoulders. Even from this distance, the person seemed to be struggling. Cato craned his neck to see. Was that…Katniss?

Sure enough, the Girl on Fire was being transported against her will by a knot of girls. As they got closer, he could see that every single one of her captors was dressed exactly the same. Each girl wore a white shirt, with the word "Kato" emblazoned across the chest in bold purple letters. On the back were pictures of himself and Katniss against a black background.

What the hell?

In no time at all, the mini-mob had reached the Cornucopia. The sea of girls parted to let them through. Katniss was thrust up to the top. Duct tape covered her mouth, and her hands were tied behind her back. Still, she managed to protest loudly as she was shoved forward. The girls holding her stopped when she was a step away from Cato.

"Mhhhh mhhh hhh!" said Katniss, hindered by the duct tape.

One of her captors, a brunette with a mad look in her eyes, grabbed Cato's arm.

"C'mon!" she pleaded. "We caught Katniss for you!"

Cato wasn't sure what to make of this. Yeah, he wanted to get rid of Katniss, but not now. What should he do in front of all these girls?

"Do you want me to stab her or something?" he offered, brandishing his sword.

The girls collapsed in a fit of giggles. Finally one of them stopped laughing long enough to choke out, "No, dumbass. You're supposed to like, kiss her!" This made the girls dissolve into fresh peals of laughter. Katniss wriggled even more against her bonds. Clearly she did not agree with either option.

"Do it! Do it!" One of the "Kato" girls started a chant, which was soon picked up by the rest of the girls, minus the Glato and Clato people.

Cato tried to scoot away, but he was trapped, surrounded on all sides. There was no other option, no way out. He leaned forward, clenching his teeth, and Katniss leaned just as far back. Still, he pushed closer, wanting to get it over with. At least he would only touch the duct tape and not her slimy mouth.

* * *

Perched on the arm of Peeta's chair, Rue focused her binoculars on the scene atop the Cornucopia. "Oh my gosh!" she announced. "They have Katniss!"

Peeta started, jumping out of his seat. "Let me see that!" He grabbed the binoculars. His brows furrowed, and he glared at the distant Cato. "They're gonna make them kiss!" he announced. "We have to stop them!"

Gale grabbed Peeta's arm with still-buttery fingers. "No. Remember when the mob got you in Walmart?" The blonde boy nodded, not wanting to relive the horrors of that day. "It'll be like that, all over again."

"But-" Peeta protested nobly.

Gale patted his shoulder awkwardly. "Katniss is a badass chick. She'll work it out." Luckily, Peeta saw the truth in his words.

Peeta still looked stressed, but he settled back to watch in consternation. Gale was secretly enjoying Peeta's inner turmoil. In the meanwhile, Rue had taken back the binoculars and was watching the scene intently.

"Make out! Make out!" the little girl screamed at the top of her lungs. Peeta and Gale turned to look at her incredulously. Rue shrugged her shoulders. "What?"

* * *

Four inches. Three inches. Two inches. When Cato's face was one inch away from the mortified Katniss, a shout rang out, resonating in the eager silence.

"WAIT!" All eyes turned to a figure in the middle of the crowd. The girl slowly made her way toward the Cornucopia.

It was Clove. There was dirt in her hair, her jacket was ripped, and she was limping, but she resolutely headed toward Cato. She struggled to climb the golden horn but refused Cato's offer of help. Luckily Glimmer had yet to resurface.

When Clove reached the top of the horn, she paused for a second, and the thundering mob waited with baited breath. "So," the small girl said, "who wants Cato?"

"MEEEE!" roared the crowd.

Despite the bootprint on her cheek, a smile crossed Clove's face. "So why don't we just fight it out for him?" She pulled two knives from her vest.

The screams of assent were deafening. The insane cowgirl, Jo-Jo, nudged the pseudo-Goth beside her. "Ready, Ivory?" The other girl nodded, taking out a bloody razor from within her Hot Topic tote bag. Cato could see girls pulling out various weapons all over the place.

"GO!" screamed Clove, leaping into the fray.

All was chaos as girls fought for the ultimate prize – him. Girls attacked each other with the elements, tiger's claws, spells, fairy dust, knives, and handbags. Those without weapons used their fingernails or simply ripped out their opponents' hair. From his position atop the Cornucopia, Cato saw Clove taking on Elysia, Zeldi-Rhianna battling Pashmina, Maddi smacking Jo-Jo with her purse. In the confusion, Katniss took the opportunity to escape without anyone noticing.

The girls were organizing by their "ships" now, with one group going head to head with another. Glitter sprayed everywhere as the Clatos flattened the Glatos. The few Peetos ran and hid. During all his years at the training Academy, Cato had never seen anything close to this. A little blonde girl appeared momentarily in the frenzy, wielding a yellow cat like a war hammer. She managed to yell "Prato!" (who or whatever that was) once before disappearing.

Cato looked over the edge of the horn. Maybe he could jump down and hide. But it would be impossible to get to the ground without being accidentally stabbed. This battle was never going to end. What felt like hours later, it was still going strong. Cato resigned himself to his fate sadly. He would be stuck with only the most insane of fangirls for eternity, and it wasn't even his fault. Stupid Clove. Even kissing Katniss would be better than this!

When from the area of the woods came the two words that would be his salvation.

"ONE DIRECTION!"

The girls stopped fighting, screaming, and crying. They froze, listening to the voice as one. A few seconds passed, then – "ONE DIRECTION'S HERE! THE TOUR BUS JUST BROKE DOWN RIGHT OUTSIDE!"

The shriek was deafening. Cato clapped his hands over his ears as a tide of girls rushed out, through the wheat field and beyond. Every girl there sprinted like her life depended on it. Even the girls that he thought were dead got to their feet and chased after the rest of them, not wanting to miss the British boy band's impromptu debut in Panem.

Cato stared after them, not believing his eyes. All that, and they abandoned him in the blink of an eye. He slid slowly down the side of the giant horn, feeling as though he had been trampled. He stood up shakily and peered around the Cornucopia. Not one girl remained.

Well, one girl. She was walking towards him, out of the woods where the announcement had come from, carrying a megaphone. The red hair was unmistakeable. Foxface didn't stop until she was a foot away. "Well," she said. "Don't I deserve a thank you?"

"Thanks," Cato said through his teeth. Even though she had probably saved his life, he didn't trust the redhead.

"That's not what I meant." She laid a hand on Cato's arm. When he looked at her, she raised her eyebrows and attempted to bat her eyelashes flirtily.

"Not on your life," Cato told her, finally feeling close to the normal Cato for once.

"Suit yourself," Foxface said. Then she kicked him between the legs as hard as she could with her hard, heavy, sharp boot before she turned demurely and walked back into the forest.

Cato sunk to his knees, gasping in pain. Through the tears involuntarily forming in his eyes, he could just make out the _Team Catface_ on the back of her shirt.

A long time later – it could have been anywhere from half an hour to a day, he really couldn't tell – he was still lying curled on his side, eyes closed. Clove and Glimmer had yet to return, and he was glad of it. It would be an embarrassment for them to see him now, sore and weak. Cato felt a warm body beside his. Please, he begged silently, not one of the girls! But when he opened his eyes, it was just Marvel, his fellow Career and the male tribute from District 1.

"What is it?" he groaned.

Marvel placed a comforting arm around his shoulder. "Sorry, bro. Peeta told me what happened."

Cato didn't say anything, but he struggled into a sitting position.

"Girls must have been crazy." Marvel pondered. "I'm glad I was out."

"Psychopaths." Cato gritted his teeth, still feeling the pain of Foxface's well-placed kick. "F*ck them."

Marvel leaned on him, holding him tightly. "F*ck them," he agreed.

They sat like that for a few minutes. Cato was acutely aware of how close together they were, and he began to feel uncomfortable. But then again, he didn't really have the energy to push Marvel off.

"Girls are a pain," said Marvel soothingly. "So high maintenance, so pushy and demanding."

"Yeah," Cato agreed halfheartedly. He really didn't like the fact that Marvel was practically sitting on his lap.

Marvel paused for a moment, letting out a breath. "Makes you want to…give 'em up altogether." He smiled at Cato.

The meaning of his words took a second to sink in. But despite rumors to the contrary, Cato wasn't stupid. He recognized that all-too familiar glint in Marvel's eyes, the same horrible shine that he had seen so much as of late…

Using his last remaining bit of strength, Cato disentangled himself from Marvel. He scooted away from the other boy on all fours, frantically trying to put space between them. "Nooooo!"

* * *

**Soooo… That was a hopefully funny one-shot about Cato's fans, and all the different ships that involve him. Poor Cato…he needs a hug right now. I know it's somewhat OOC but it's a crack fic…it happens…**

**I'm a girl, so idk if Cato's reaction to Fox's kick was legit or not…**

**No offense to anyone who ships Clato, Glato, Kato, Peeto, Prato, Catface, Marto or anything else :D**

**Review, fave, author alert…**

**All the Mary-Sues were based on various Sues from different fandoms. Jo-Jo and her friend Ivory are based off Sues from two very infamous Harry Potter trollfics. See if you can find them! **


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